from sinner to saint

I'm not the first woman to lose a husband, I'm not the only widow in the world and I'm not the youngest either.

Ive been writing about my grief for 6 months now in hopes that with each word that comes out of my heart, the pain will slowly subside. Ive also tried crying each night, wishing each teardrop would wash away the emptiness and fill my heart with dreams of a happy new life.183 days since I last heard his voice and grazed his lips with mine…. 169 days since my heart stopped beating along with his…

Oh sure other people miss him, but they go on with their lives. Even people whose lives he had touched, people whose lives he was a big part of. I envy them. And I know they sometimes get bored hearing the laments of a young widow. So they tell me life has to go on, it will soon be beautiful for me. I know it will be, but how do I explain that I will never be whole again after he died? He was my husband for heaven’s sake, the God-ordained OTHER HALF of me. Yes, in time I will move on, perhaps fall in love again. But there will always be a part of me who will remain his wife and his widow, a part that will forever hurt and mourn his passing and miss him in each happy and sad moment of my life.

That unless you've love somebody with literally ALL your life,and want nothing else but to be his partner and the mother of his kids, build your dreams around the two of you, live your life in total submission to him, and be that rib that was taken away from him to form you, unless your hearts beat together in synchrony and your souls have been merged as one, and unless death takes away that person, will it be easy for you to understand why no matter how I try to be strong, the thought of living the next 30 years of my life without him makes me feel like my crumbling world has just been put into an incinerator...

it hurts when you get rejected by the ones you like. it's agonizingly painful when your lover leaves you. devastating to see your marriage end in divorce. it's excruciatingly painful to lose a parent or a family member. so how does it feel when a spouse you loved and was exceedingly happy with dies?

I thought I was okay, and yes I am okay. I will be okay. So why does it still hurt so much like as if I just buried him yesterday?

.... i would like to share the lyrics of the song "First Love" by silverwind. This was released during the 80's. I really hope to find a copy of this song...

check out this link...

dear bey,

God...why does it have to hurt this way?

Kz and I went to visit Floren’s grave last Saturday morning. Seeing his name on the epitaph unleashed weeks of uncried tears from my eyes. Whew! It was such a relief, and felt agonizing at the same time to partly admit that he is really physically gone. Why partly? Because, no matter how I try, I just cannot teach my soul to accept his parting.

Lately , I noticed my unusual craving for food. Jolibee, Mcdo, Barbecue Station,Balut,Mangga, Siopao, Chowking, etc… I order plenty for Kz and myself, but I can barely finish eating everything. (Hello!?!??!!?!?!?!... since when did not finishing food become a problem for me? ) Then even when my stomach’s so full that I could vomit, I still feel hungry and begin craving again for something I cannot name.

I miss Floren and I’m craving for his company. You could give me ‘sardinas’ (I hate eating sardines while it was one of his favorite viands) and I would eat it with much gusto if only Floren were here beside me. Nothing could satisfy this hollowness that only Floren could fill.

And maybe, just maybe, every once in a while, people can realize that I am human and I hurt and I cry and I act like all widows do… I fall from grace and I mourn.

And maybe they would see, that God is a gentle God. He cries with me, and feels my pain. He gently carries it all for me… He picks me up from my crumpled state, embraces me with a warmth that surpasses all love Floren has for me and gives me peace that I can finally sleep , knowing that when I wake up tomorrow, He remains there to comfort me. And He comforts me with the thought, that I too, like my husband, am going home to His kingdom someday!

I have a temporary(hopefully) visitor outside our room who disturbs Kz's peaceful slumber every now and then with his cries of "tucko!" I don't resent his presence though. At least it's not so quiet anymore at 3am.

Dear Bey,

I would just like to share this one song that simply breaks my heart every time I hear it...

after 22 months here in Dubai, Kz and I are finally going home...

June 24, 2009 God finally took you home.

dear bey,

Dear Bey,

I miss you.

Its been 10 days since………., and somehow Ive managed to survive beautifully, thanks to the comfort God is giving me and to the memory of our love.

I miss your snores at night

I miss waking up next to you

I miss the way u embrace me so tightly at night

I miss your waking me up in the middle of the night just to tell me you love me so much

I miss hearing you walk around the room early in the morning

I miss the sound of the keyboard clicking at 5 in the morning

I miss seeing you play red alert after dinner

I miss making kulit with you and asking u silly questions about the games u play

I miss playing kangaroo jack and scrabble and many other games with you

I miss pounding the bathroom door at 7am and telling u to hurry up or youll be late again for work

I miss giving out your allowance every morning

I miss preparing your baon to work

I miss driving you to the office, and I miss singing all those corny songs with you in the car.

I miss kissing you byebye each time u go to work

I miss your frequent calls in the morning, noon and afternoon just to check how Kz and I are doing and to ask if we’ve already eaten or showered

I miss the sound of the doorbell at 7pm and the kiss and hug that u greet me with

I miss the crazy stories u tell me about ur day at work

I miss the way you used to bring me and Kz to the office/field with you just because you felt better with us near you.

I miss the way you brought home 'leftovers' from company lunch or birthdays at the office just because you hated eating something delicious without me and KZ . I miss that thoughtfulness I've never ever seen in another human being.

I miss the this and that trinkets you sometimes bring home for me and Kz, like when you brought home a simple box from the office because you thought it looked nice and you knew I would love it. Or the occasional toys for Kz, especially the pink teddy bear which you carried on your lap on the 1hour bus-ride home, not caring about the stares you got from other men hehehe.

I miss cooking for you and the way you praised and appreciated and how you were honest with me if you thought it was too salty or overcooked.

I miss eating dinner with you

I miss putting all my leftovers on your plate

I miss calling u to ask what would u like me to cook for u

I miss the way u make the bed for me before we go to sleep

I miss the back scratching we give each other everytime we have itching attacks

I miss having you beside me all the time

I miss the way u make me laugh

I miss the way u make me feel secure with ur love

I miss the way u love me and Kz

I miss the way you mess up our closet

I miss the pool of water in our bathroom after you've taken a shower and played with the spray hose

I miss the way u cook breakfast for me on weekends

I miss the coffee that greets me when I wake up

I miss our regular strolls

I miss holding ur hands

I miss the crazy stares we give each other when we read each other’s minds.

I miss the funny faces you make whenever you’re happy and feel too manly to admit it

I miss your patience while we go around the mall trying to find something I would like to buy only to end up buying toys for Kz

I miss the way you would worry if a week went by and I haven't read a single book and how you would ask me if everything was okay. Or how you would give me an afternoon off taking care of Kz just so I could finish my novel.

I miss the way you pamper and spoil me like a queen, giving me carte blanche on your ATM and credit cards =))

I miss our going out of the house at 12 in the midnight just because you wanted to drink Pepsi

I miss buying cassava suman for you every week

I miss having someone to make “lambing” to each time I want to eat something, and I miss the way you would lovingly smile and not complain if I told you to go to the grocery because I wanted something.

I miss having someone to do the heavy and dirty household chores for me

I miss the way you hang the laundry for me, or when you mop the floor for me.

I miss seeing you wash the dishes at night despite the fact that your tired from the office just because you wanted me to relax 'coz I did the cooking.

I miss the way you scold me if you saw me doing something stressful

I miss it when you tell me to relax and enjoy while you pamper me

I miss having someone to carry my handbag for me while we’re out

I miss eating out and the food orders you make which complement my choice of food.

I miss walking around the furniture, home and appliances section of the mall while we “search” for the perfect things for our future home in CDO.

I miss every moment we have

I miss praying with you before we go to sleep

I miss the long talks we had about our dreams and plans

I miss the occasional evaluation of our marriage we did to make ours more beautiful

I miss my best friend and lover

I miss the way you take care of me and Kz

I miss the way you frequently tell me how happy you are with US

I miss making love with you.

I miss the way u hold my breasts at night so u can go to sleep

I miss so much more…

I miss us, you, kz and me

And im wondering if this very moment you miss us too.. if deep down that dead brain, you still remember love…

Love is beyond what the brain and heart tells us…I know our love is etched deep into the very soul of you, something, not even a clinically dead brain would forget,,,

I love you and I am counting the days when we could be finally US again, and this time, I am sure what we will be sharing will be much better than the best love we have been sharing for 7 years now…

And if the Lord decides it is time to take you home, I will joyfully let go. I will understand that even if you have to go first, you remain loyal to our promises of “walang iwanan”, because you will continue to be there for me, only that you are in Heaven, praying for me. I will be more blessed because I will have an angel who looks after me with all his love.

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful, baby

You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through
Through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me, ooh, baby

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love, I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe, I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because
I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me
The light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I just arrived home from Lamcy. Did a little shopping. I've never enjoyed shopping for clothes, even when Floren was still around,but he used to encourage me to pamper myself. When we went malling to buy some clothes for me, we always ended up going window shopping for household stuff and home appliances ( while talking about our plans for the future and for our home), and buying clothes and toys for Kz instead. Now I am trying to do the things which I know would please him.

Dear God,

May 14, 2009- I got a call at around 5:30 p.m from floren's officemate telling me that he had collapsed in the office. It usually takes me 15 minutes to get there, but I made it in 8 minutes, driving at 120kph. When I arrived, they told me an ambulance had taken him to Dubai Hospital. I went there and saw him in the E.R. He was complaining of a terrible headache and was vomiting and there was weakness on his left body. Since he has been hypertensive for 10 years I immediately assumed it was a stroke. But he was coherent, responsive and could still move so I thought maybe it was just a migraine attack (He had been complaining of terrible headaches for a month ) or maybe there were some problems with his contact lenses( -650 on both eyes) . They did a CT scan and the doctors confirmed what they had fearing all along, there was bleeding on his brain and the pressure was what's causing that headache. At 10:00pm, they transferred him to Rashid Hospital because they decided to do surgery on his brain. The whole time I was just praying, and before he went into surgery at 2:00 am (May 15), we recommitted our lives to the Lord. He went out of the Operating theater at around 6am, and the doctors just told me to wait and hope for the best. They did a ventriculostomy on him ( It is done by surgically placing a tube through the skull such that it terminates in the ventricleof the brain.) to drain the blood from his brain.

i used to do journals and write articles before i met floren. one time he asked me why i stopped doing it, as it made him feel guilty. i told him, " pain has always been what inspired me to write, and all you've brought me is joy. i no longer need a journal as i have you to talk to every night."