Friday, January 14, 2011
Have you ever stuffed yourself so hard until you puked just so you wouldn't feel anything else but that overwhelming urge to vomit, hoping that you could just flush away all the pain along with all of it? How do you tell your heart to stop escaping and really start mourning and command your body to just scream it all out?
It's been a while since I posted here...and since I cried.I need to let it all out. Running away from pain is not the same as moving on.
When I'm lying in my bed and everything is quiet around me, the pain threatens to shake my "calm" exterior, words swirl inside my mind. I try to capture the angst-filled prose forming inside my head, knowing that Floren would have been happy to see me wrting again, although he would also feel my pain. But when I turn on my computer and start typing, my fingers freeze over the keyboard, scared to let go of even an iota of my emotions...desperately clinging on to everything about him, even the pain.
20 months. I tell myself Floren is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. And with those 3 words, my sane world threatens to crumble again, making me hastily retreat into a life where I am trapped in this emotional mumbo jumbo.
he is gone, but accepting the truth does not lessen the pain of his absence, nor the intensity of my longing for him, nor my never ending need for him in my life. So what am I supposed to do? The only thing I know right now is surviving for my Kz...the lttle girl who is growing to be more and more like her daddy everyday...
(and oh, I long to be taken back to my real first love, HIM, my Jesus...I long for His comfort, the only thing that could heal me. Yet I stubbornly hold on to all these , for this is the only way I know of holding on to F...)
;;
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