from sinner to saint

Ive been writing about my grief for 6 months now in hopes that with each word that comes out of my heart, the pain will slowly subside. Ive also tried crying each night, wishing each teardrop would wash away the emptiness and fill my heart with dreams of a happy new life.183 days since I last heard his voice and grazed his lips with mine…. 169 days since my heart stopped beating along with his…

Oh sure other people miss him, but they go on with their lives. Even people whose lives he had touched, people whose lives he was a big part of. I envy them. And I know they sometimes get bored hearing the laments of a young widow. So they tell me life has to go on, it will soon be beautiful for me. I know it will be, but how do I explain that I will never be whole again after he died? He was my husband for heaven’s sake, the God-ordained OTHER HALF of me. Yes, in time I will move on, perhaps fall in love again. But there will always be a part of me who will remain his wife and his widow, a part that will forever hurt and mourn his passing and miss him in each happy and sad moment of my life.

That unless you've love somebody with literally ALL your life,and want nothing else but to be his partner and the mother of his kids, build your dreams around the two of you, live your life in total submission to him, and be that rib that was taken away from him to form you, unless your hearts beat together in synchrony and your souls have been merged as one, and unless death takes away that person, will it be easy for you to understand why no matter how I try to be strong, the thought of living the next 30 years of my life without him makes me feel like my crumbling world has just been put into an incinerator...

it hurts when you get rejected by the ones you like. it's agonizingly painful when your lover leaves you. devastating to see your marriage end in divorce. it's excruciatingly painful to lose a parent or a family member. so how does it feel when a spouse you loved and was exceedingly happy with dies?

I thought I was okay, and yes I am okay. I will be okay. So why does it still hurt so much like as if I just buried him yesterday?