from sinner to saint

today , I know that heaven is celebrating your 5th month there. And I know at the same time that heaven feels my pain now for it hasn't stopped raining since this morning. Maybe this is its' way of telling me that it may look like the rain won't stop pouring , but when the sun comes streaming in my window tomorrow or maybe the day after, I will appreciate that sunshine more because of the rain.

I am only human, and I"m sorry if I defiled your memory with my weakness....

This last month, I was in a hurry to move on with my life and forget the pain of losing you that I fell into a trap. I "fell" in love with someone else...or I fell in love with the idea of loving someone else.

It didn't work out, but oh, for a moment, I also welcomed the pain of being rejected by that person if it meant forgetting the pain of losing you even for just a while.

Being with that person made me realize what you and I had was rare, and the funny thing is it made me love you even more. I realized that there could never be another you in my life, that nobody will love me the way you loved me. And that I will never love someone else again the way I love you still.

With you I was number one in your life... top priority. You never hurt me and you guarded my heart fiercely from all the pains of life. You literally were my shelter and my tower of strength.

And I miss you. Sometimes I hate you for leaving me... I feel vulnerable to the lurking dangers of this lustful world, to people who see me as a prey. I hate that you are no longer there to protect me each moment of my life.

But i have to accept that you're no longer there to shield me from this dangerous world. And had you not believed in me, I known you would have pleaded with God to extend your life. So I will continue to be strong.... for you, for Kz, for myself and mostly for the memory of our love.

30 days to go and soon it will be Christmas... my first Christmas in 8 years without you. I have 30 days to find my passion again in order for me to survive the holidays.

But I know, inspite of my failures and my sins, God is ever faithful... He's just waiting for me to call, and I trust that He will continue to give me the same comfort He gave the day you went home to His arms...