from sinner to saint

Kz and I went to visit Floren’s grave last Saturday morning. Seeing his name on the epitaph unleashed weeks of uncried tears from my eyes. Whew! It was such a relief, and felt agonizing at the same time to partly admit that he is really physically gone. Why partly? Because, no matter how I try, I just cannot teach my soul to accept his parting.

Lately , I noticed my unusual craving for food. Jolibee, Mcdo, Barbecue Station,Balut,Mangga, Siopao, Chowking, etc… I order plenty for Kz and myself, but I can barely finish eating everything. (Hello!?!??!!?!?!?!... since when did not finishing food become a problem for me? ) Then even when my stomach’s so full that I could vomit, I still feel hungry and begin craving again for something I cannot name.

I miss Floren and I’m craving for his company. You could give me ‘sardinas’ (I hate eating sardines while it was one of his favorite viands) and I would eat it with much gusto if only Floren were here beside me. Nothing could satisfy this hollowness that only Floren could fill.

And maybe, just maybe, every once in a while, people can realize that I am human and I hurt and I cry and I act like all widows do… I fall from grace and I mourn.

And maybe they would see, that God is a gentle God. He cries with me, and feels my pain. He gently carries it all for me… He picks me up from my crumpled state, embraces me with a warmth that surpasses all love Floren has for me and gives me peace that I can finally sleep , knowing that when I wake up tomorrow, He remains there to comfort me. And He comforts me with the thought, that I too, like my husband, am going home to His kingdom someday!