Tuesday, June 30, 2009

homecoming

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 7:47 AM

after 22 months here in Dubai, Kz and I are finally going home...

The paperworks I am accomplishing in order to fly Floren's body home back to the Philippines are driving me crazy! It's a week now since he died and I'm still halfway done (No thanks to his company who wasted 3 days for the visa cancellation, and until now I'm still waiting for it.) But then again, i am stil thankful for all the little things that keep me busy.

Part of me does not want to leave this place where we became a f amily. All our happy memories together were made here. When Kz was born in CDO, Floren was already here in Dubai. We followed him here 15 months later. For now, I feel okay, like this is just one long day and I am still going to see Floren. The full impact of his death hasn't sunk in yet. But God is always faithful to comfort us I know.

Part of me is excited to slowly uncover what is in store for me one day at a time.I know life will continue to be wonderful because God is in control. I have experienced His favors that other people might just disregard as coincindences but I believe it is God's way of protecting us in Floren's absence... It feels so nice to know our Maker is also my best friend, protector and father. Makes me feel secured that no matter what tomorrow will bring, I can face everything and overcome everything because HE HAS OVERCOME the world!

I miss Floren. But I do not have this feeling that I will never see him nor talk to him again. Because I know I will see him someday in heaven...


 

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 3:12 PM

 

this is not goodbye

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 3:04 PM

June 24, 2009 God finally took you home.


I will miss you, bey.

Ive been so busy with the paperworks for our homecoming that the fact of your death hasn't sunk in yet. I still feel like this is just one long day and I'll get to see you soon at the end of it...
I am hurting, but God's faithfulness is more than enough to ease the pain. He is my comforter, I lie confident in the truth that HE is love, that He loves you more than I could ever love you and He loves me too, and all these is part of His grander plan for us....

I love you Tinong ng buhay ko....

I will have to continue this later as it is 2am here in dubai, I havent slept well since I can't remember when.


 

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

letting go 1

2 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 12:49 PM

dear bey,


it is now day 13 and your vitals are slowly dropping. i find it hard to stay long in the ICU because it hurts to see you lifeless.

God has been very gentle with me when he decided it was time for you to go home. Sometimes I wonder, did I just lose my husband and best friend? Like this afternoon, Kz and I went to some of the places we frequented as a family and I felt at peace. I had this unexplainable joy in my heart that not even your absence could take away. I feel like you have been embedded into the core of my being, and even if I no longer see you or talk to you, I can still feel you and your love for me. Remember all those stores you wished I would buy something from? I finally went inside most of them and bought some clothes for Kz and myself. Everything I do now, I think about you. Is this what you would have wanted me to do? Are you proud of what I am feeling now, of how I am coping? It's like you are still around trying to do the very best things for Kz and me...


I also bought white clothes for Kz and me to wear on the 'goodbye' day... it didn't hurt as much as I expected. Because I know bey, this is not goodbye. You just went home ahead of us and someday we will see each other again I know.

I am not a widow and Kz is not half an orphan. You will always remain my husband and best friend and Kz's daddy. I will be missing you, but I will always have your love to inspire me like always. In my dream the other night, you told me to read 2 Corinthians chapter 2 verse 4..."For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote unto you with many tears; not that ye should be grieved, but that ye might know the love which I have more abundantly unto you"... Even in this circumstance, your love has never left me..


 

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Saturday, June 20, 2009

while you are sleeping...

3 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 12:36 PM


Dear Bey,

I miss you.

Its been 10 days since………., and somehow Ive managed to survive beautifully, thanks to the comfort God is giving me and to the memory of our love.

I miss your snores at night

I miss waking up next to you

I miss the way u embrace me so tightly at night

I miss your waking me up in the middle of the night just to tell me you love me so much

I miss hearing you walk around the room early in the morning

I miss the sound of the keyboard clicking at 5 in the morning

I miss seeing you play red alert after dinner

I miss making kulit with you and asking u silly questions about the games u play

I miss playing kangaroo jack and scrabble and many other games with you

I miss pounding the bathroom door at 7am and telling u to hurry up or youll be late again for work

I miss giving out your allowance every morning

I miss preparing your baon to work

I miss driving you to the office, and I miss singing all those corny songs with you in the car.

I miss kissing you byebye each time u go to work

I miss your frequent calls in the morning, noon and afternoon just to check how Kz and I are doing and to ask if we’ve already eaten or showered

I miss the sound of the doorbell at 7pm and the kiss and hug that u greet me with

I miss the crazy stories u tell me about ur day at work

I miss the way you used to bring me and Kz to the office/field with you just because you felt better with us near you.

I miss the way you brought home 'leftovers' from company lunch or birthdays at the office just because you hated eating something delicious without me and KZ . I miss that thoughtfulness I've never ever seen in another human being.

I miss the this and that trinkets you sometimes bring home for me and Kz, like when you brought home a simple box from the office because you thought it looked nice and you knew I would love it. Or the occasional toys for Kz, especially the pink teddy bear which you carried on your lap on the 1hour bus-ride home, not caring about the stares you got from other men hehehe.

I miss cooking for you and the way you praised and appreciated and how you were honest with me if you thought it was too salty or overcooked.

I miss eating dinner with you

I miss putting all my leftovers on your plate

I miss calling u to ask what would u like me to cook for u

I miss the way u make the bed for me before we go to sleep

I miss the back scratching we give each other everytime we have itching attacks

I miss having you beside me all the time

I miss the way u make me laugh

I miss the way u make me feel secure with ur love

I miss the way u love me and Kz

I miss the way you mess up our closet

I miss the pool of water in our bathroom after you've taken a shower and played with the spray hose

I miss the way u cook breakfast for me on weekends

I miss the coffee that greets me when I wake up

I miss our regular strolls

I miss holding ur hands

I miss the crazy stares we give each other when we read each other’s minds.

I miss the funny faces you make whenever you’re happy and feel too manly to admit it

I miss your patience while we go around the mall trying to find something I would like to buy only to end up buying toys for Kz

I miss the way you would worry if a week went by and I haven't read a single book and how you would ask me if everything was okay. Or how you would give me an afternoon off taking care of Kz just so I could finish my novel.

I miss the way you pamper and spoil me like a queen, giving me carte blanche on your ATM and credit cards =))

I miss our going out of the house at 12 in the midnight just because you wanted to drink Pepsi

I miss buying cassava suman for you every week

I miss having someone to make “lambing” to each time I want to eat something, and I miss the way you would lovingly smile and not complain if I told you to go to the grocery because I wanted something.

I miss having someone to do the heavy and dirty household chores for me

I miss the way you hang the laundry for me, or when you mop the floor for me.

I miss seeing you wash the dishes at night despite the fact that your tired from the office just because you wanted me to relax 'coz I did the cooking.

I miss the way you scold me if you saw me doing something stressful

I miss it when you tell me to relax and enjoy while you pamper me

I miss having someone to carry my handbag for me while we’re out

I miss eating out and the food orders you make which complement my choice of food.

I miss walking around the furniture, home and appliances section of the mall while we “search” for the perfect things for our future home in CDO.

I miss every moment we have

I miss praying with you before we go to sleep

I miss the long talks we had about our dreams and plans

I miss the occasional evaluation of our marriage we did to make ours more beautiful

I miss my best friend and lover

I miss the way you take care of me and Kz

I miss the way you frequently tell me how happy you are with US

I miss making love with you.

I miss the way u hold my breasts at night so u can go to sleep

I miss so much more…

I miss us, you, kz and me

And im wondering if this very moment you miss us too.. if deep down that dead brain, you still remember love…

Love is beyond what the brain and heart tells us…I know our love is etched deep into the very soul of you, something, not even a clinically dead brain would forget,,,

I love you and I am counting the days when we could be finally US again, and this time, I am sure what we will be sharing will be much better than the best love we have been sharing for 7 years now…

And if the Lord decides it is time to take you home, I will joyfully let go. I will understand that even if you have to go first, you remain loyal to our promises of “walang iwanan”, because you will continue to be there for me, only that you are in Heaven, praying for me. I will be more blessed because I will have an angel who looks after me with all his love.

 

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For my bey

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 12:20 PM

For all those times you stood by me
 For all the truth that you made me see
 For all the joy you brought to my life
 For all the wrong that you made right

 For every dream you made come true
 For all the love I found in you
 I'll be forever thankful, baby

 You're the one who held me up
 Never let me fall
 You're the one who saw me through
 Through it all

 You were my strength when I was weak
 You were my voice when I couldn't speak
 You were my eyes when I couldn't see
 You saw the best there was in me
 Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
 You gave me faith 'cause you believed
 I'm everything I am
 Because you loved me, ooh, baby

 You gave me wings and made me fly
 You touched my hand I could touch the sky
 I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
 You said no star was out of reach

 You stood by me and I stood tall
 I had your love, I had it all
 I'm grateful for each day you gave me

 Maybe, I don't know that much
 But I know this much is true
 I was blessed because
 I was loved by you

 You were my strength when I was weak
 You were my voice when I couldn't speak
 You were my eyes when I couldn't see
 You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
 You gave me faith 'cause you believed
 I'm everything I am
 Because you loved me

 You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me
 The light in the dark shining your love into my life
 You've been my inspiration through the lies you were the truth
 My world is a better place because of you

 You were my strength when I was weak
 You were my voice when I couldn't speak
 You were my eyes when I couldn't see
 You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
 You gave me faith 'cause you believed
 I'm everything I am
 Because you loved me

 You were my strength when I was weak
 You were my voice when I couldn't speak
 You were my eyes when I couldn't see
 You saw the best there was in me

 Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
 You gave me faith 'cause you believed
 I'm everything I am
 Because you loved me

 I'm everything I am
 Because you loved me

 

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June 20

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 3:38 AM

I just arrived home from Lamcy. Did a little shopping. I've never enjoyed shopping for clothes, even when Floren was still around,but he used to encourage me to pamper myself. When we went malling to buy some clothes for me, we always ended up going window shopping for household stuff and home appliances ( while talking about our plans for the future and for our home), and buying clothes and toys for Kz instead. Now I am trying to do the things which I know would please him.



Before that I was in the hospital this morning to visit Floren. Nothing has changed on the outside, but I have faith that God is working on the inside. I prayed and thanked God for his complete healing. The word of the Lord in Psalms 26:13-14 says " I am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

I am still waiting and hoping ... I need my best friend back. I am hurting so much that I can no longer distinguish the feelings inside. But I will continually praise the Lord because I know everything will be beautiful again in His time...

 

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Friday, June 19, 2009

June 19, 2009

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 11:42 AM

Dear God,


Today, Kz and I went to church and they all prayed for Floren's healing. On the way there, you heard my cries while I was driving the car. Why, only 5 weeks ago, there used to be 3 of us riding the car on our way to church, and now it's just Kz and me. The front passenger seat which Daddy used to occupy is as empty as my heart.You saw the loneliness, and thank you for the comfort.

You had a word for me today. You said I only need to thank you and continue praising you for you have already done it. I wonder which among the things I asked you meant. For Floren's brain to heal and for him to live again, or, for the peace and comfort if ever he's not coming back to me? You also told me to focus on thanking you and not on my present situation. I am asking, please reveal yourself to me.

Yet you have given me back that hope I let go. Remember, two days ago in the ICU, I surrendered my heart to you and returned my love for Floren back to you. With that submission came the peace that Floren is now in your presence. I joyfully accepted that I have become a widow at 30, and Kz , fatherless at 3, knowing that YOU are still in control and trusting that you have wonderful plans which I may not be able to see for now as my eyes are filled with grief at losing the half of my life.

I haven't stopped believing that you can restore Floren back to life. I still ask you, don't I? But i have also asked you for an obedient heart, a heart that will gladly follow your will for my life knowing that you only have the best in store for me.

You whispered into my ear that the reason I live in this world is to worship you and glorify you. Not to live my life for myself, but for you. All else is vanity before you. You desire my heart, the totality of the being you made after your own image. My life was not for Floren or nor was his life for me. But because of your love, you have led us to each other. Floren was just a reward, a 'bonus' to give me happiness. Our dreams, our love are just things that give me joy as I make my life's journey towards my final destination- which is in your presence. Our marriage was a treat from you. Because in the end, there is only YOU.

So I am giving it all back to you with thanksgiving. I have been blessed. You made me taste heaven on earth with Floren's love for me. Our marriage was perfect, and I am not saying this for anything else, but it is the truth. Our 7 years together was like 70 years quality wise. You gave me a husband, lover, bestfriend,brother,father,protector,champion,number one supporter, and life partner in him.Thank you for the love. If it is your will to take him home now, I am still blessed to have experienced this rare true love with him. I will let him go, because I know, your love for him is greater. Thank you that I still have Kz, and thank you that all I will remember are happy memories for everyday I had with Floren were simply joy filled.

But I will still continue to hope Lord, because I believe nothing is impossible for you.

I will continue to hope floren will wake up whole, because I continue to love...

 

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brain aneurysm

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 11:06 AM



May 14, 2009- I got a call at around 5:30 p.m from floren's officemate telling me that he had collapsed in the office. It usually takes me 15 minutes to get there, but I made it in 8 minutes, driving at 120kph. When I arrived, they told me an ambulance had taken him to Dubai Hospital. I went there and saw him in the E.R. He was complaining of a terrible headache and was vomiting and there was weakness on his left body. Since he has been hypertensive for 10 years I immediately assumed it was a stroke. But he was coherent, responsive and could still move so I thought maybe it was just a migraine attack (He had been complaining of terrible headaches for a month ) or maybe there were some problems with his contact lenses( -650 on both eyes) . They did a CT scan and the doctors confirmed what they had fearing all along, there was bleeding on his brain and the pressure was what's causing that headache. At 10:00pm, they transferred him to Rashid Hospital because they decided to do surgery on his brain. The whole time I was just praying, and before he went into surgery at 2:00 am (May 15), we recommitted our lives to the Lord. He went out of the Operating theater at around 6am, and the doctors just told me to wait and hope for the best. They did a ventriculostomy on him ( It is done by surgically placing a tube through the skull such that it terminates in the ventricleof the brain.) to drain the blood from his brain.


May 17 - His 41st birthday. He was still kept fully sedated. I talked with the doctors and they told me they found a giant carotenoid aneurysm on his optic nerve, it leaked. Chances are, they told me, if he would survive, he would have neurological defects and possibly be paralyzed. I just kept on praying to God for his healing.

May 24- Our daughter KZ's 3rd birthday. They told me they were going to do surgery on the 25th to clip his aneurysm and explained to me the risks.

May 25- They did not do the clipping as they found out that there were calcifications around the aneurysm and that to proceed with surgery would be fatal. I just kept thanking the Lord and continued to believe that He would heal floren.

May 27- They took him off sedation and he finally awoke.

May 29- Our 7th anniversary. He was still suffering from ICU psychosis which is quite normal for brain surgery patients and those who have been in the ICU for a while. But he still knew who I was, and asked where Kz was and even told me he loved me.

His recovery seemed to be doing very well. The doctors assessed him neurologically and could not find any damage. Praise God! Aside from the weakness on his legs (brought about by his being bedridden for 3 weeks), he was okay. I was so happy to have my husband back. But something changed. His spirit. He became closer to God, and he knew he had been forgiven. He said during those times he was sleeping, God dealt with him and called him to be a pastor. I was even happier.

He was moved to the ward on June 6 as if nothing happened. The doctors and nurses were all amazed at his progress and called it a miracle. About his unclipped aneurysm, the doctors told me there was only one solution to it and it was not available in Dubai and advised me to take him home to the Philippines and have it done there. As long as his blood pressure remained low and that he would refrain from any form of stress, he would be okay.

They discharged him on June 9. We went home, I had the chance to take care of him and pamper him. He played with Kz, we talked the whole night/day. We praised the Lord for everything and he told me he knows God loves him so much.

June 10- he complained again of a terrible headache at around 9pm. We went to bed, hoping his BP would go down (It was at 170/100). Once , he said "I love you bey". We just hugged. And at 11pm he started to vomit, we called the paramedics and he went into a seizure just when they arrived. They rushed him again to Rashid, did a CT scan, and it was when the doctors told me his brain is gone. His aneurysm had finally ruptured causing massive bleeding and there was just too much pressure on the brain. There was nothing they could do for him, to do surgery would be useless as the brain has been totally damaged and dead. He is still in the ICU, on artificial respirator. On June 17, they did the final brain stem test to confirm that the brain stem has no longer any function. (Neurological functions located in the brainstem include those necessary for survival (breathing, digestion, heart rate, blood pressure) and for arousal (being awake and alert).

The feelings that comes with this story need to be written in another post.

 

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of blogs and feelings

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 10:55 AM


i used to do journals and write articles before i met floren. one time he asked me why i stopped doing it, as it made him feel guilty. i told him, " pain has always been what inspired me to write, and all you've brought me is joy. i no longer need a journal as i have you to talk to every night."


this is for him. may you find reason to believe that true love and perfect relationships do exist. Glory be to God!


 

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