Monday, August 17, 2009

Cravings

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 8:53 AM

Kz and I went to visit Floren’s grave last Saturday morning. Seeing his name on the epitaph unleashed weeks of uncried tears from my eyes. Whew! It was such a relief, and felt agonizing at the same time to partly admit that he is really physically gone. Why partly? Because, no matter how I try, I just cannot teach my soul to accept his parting.

Lately , I noticed my unusual craving for food. Jolibee, Mcdo, Barbecue Station,Balut,Mangga, Siopao, Chowking, etc… I order plenty for Kz and myself, but I can barely finish eating everything. (Hello!?!??!!?!?!?!... since when did not finishing food become a problem for me? ) Then even when my stomach’s so full that I could vomit, I still feel hungry and begin craving again for something I cannot name.

I miss Floren and I’m craving for his company. You could give me ‘sardinas’ (I hate eating sardines while it was one of his favorite viands) and I would eat it with much gusto if only Floren were here beside me. Nothing could satisfy this hollowness that only Floren could fill.

And maybe, just maybe, every once in a while, people can realize that I am human and I hurt and I cry and I act like all widows do… I fall from grace and I mourn.

And maybe they would see, that God is a gentle God. He cries with me, and feels my pain. He gently carries it all for me… He picks me up from my crumpled state, embraces me with a warmth that surpasses all love Floren has for me and gives me peace that I can finally sleep , knowing that when I wake up tomorrow, He remains there to comfort me. And He comforts me with the thought, that I too, like my husband, am going home to His kingdom someday!

 

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Friday, August 14, 2009

Tucko!

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 10:38 AM

I have a temporary(hopefully) visitor outside our room who disturbs Kz's peaceful slumber every now and then with his cries of "tucko!" I don't resent his presence though. At least it's not so quiet anymore at 3am.


Why can't I sleep at night? I hate it when unnecessary little things keep me away from sleep when 11pm strikes. Is it because Floren's no longer here beside me? I hate it more when I wake up at 10am feeling that I have wasted 4 hours of sunlight in bed.

aaaarrrghhhh!!! There is something I want to write about, but I am too busy now thinking of something to keep me busy tomorrow.

Lord, you have been so good to me. Who am i to compain about what I feel and what I want to feel. You are the one who has given me this peace and comfort from day 1 and it would be soooo ungrateful of me to ask you to make me cry tonight.

Why am I scared forgetting the pain of Floren's physical death? Am I trying to hold on to it as it is the only last reminder I see now of his life? Confusing. Maybe because the pain is the only intense emotion I have of him left? For now I have learned to love him with a love that does not just involve my emotion but more of my spirit, a love no one can take away from me, a love that though unseen, remains real and deeply etched in my soul, a love i will forever hold on to, because it's a love that has brought me to where I am now, a love that has molded me into a strong woman, and a love that will continue to give me strength when all else fails... a love that will keep my heart aglow for the rest of my life. Tinong and Destiny's love....



 

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

death cannot conquer true love

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 3:15 PM


Dear Bey,



2 months have passed since you technically died and i still feel like everything is a dream.

I miss you.

Everything hurts, and the sad thing is, I no longer have the capacity to cry the pain away. My emotions are dead or maybe I am just trying to numb my heart as I do not know if I can ever survive such exquisite pain.

Or maybe I cannot cry because each time I feel like doing so, our happy memories come crashing back into my mind. I smile for a moment, then the tears just dry up inside me.

I almost forgot to live for 2 months in hopes that I would also forget the truth that you are gone. I did not want to write, or talk to friends, or start planning for Kz's future. I did not even want tp clean my bedroom because I wanted to stay in a messy room just so I wouldn't focus on the emptiness of my bed.

Then I realized it would be much more painful to allow our love story and our dreams to fade. Your death will then have lost it's meaning and purpose...

I remain your other half, in life and in death. We made the vow of "till death do us part" on our wedding day, but we had a marriage and a love that even death cannot part. And it will remain that way. I will continue your legacy, and I will continue to be the girl you fell in love with, the woman you have always loved, and the wife who will keep on loving you faithfully.

until here, for now.

your destiny

 

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