Wednesday, November 25, 2009
5th month project... on love, life, marriage and death
1 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 11:20 PMcheck out this link...
I tried uploading it on Youtube but was rejected because video was too long.
I can't believe it's been only 5 months since F went home to heaven. Everyday without him feels like eternity to me...
This one's a compilation of our pictures plus a few words on love and marriage that we applied to ours. This is a work of love....my work of love for him.
May you find reason to believe that happiness and perfect relationships do exist and that true love happens...
This one's a compilation of our pictures plus a few words on love and marriage that we applied to ours. This is a work of love....my work of love for him.
May you find reason to believe that happiness and perfect relationships do exist and that true love happens...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
dear bey,
today , I know that heaven is celebrating your 5th month there. And I know at the same time that heaven feels my pain now for it hasn't stopped raining since this morning. Maybe this is its' way of telling me that it may look like the rain won't stop pouring , but when the sun comes streaming in my window tomorrow or maybe the day after, I will appreciate that sunshine more because of the rain.
I am only human, and I"m sorry if I defiled your memory with my weakness....
This last month, I was in a hurry to move on with my life and forget the pain of losing you that I fell into a trap. I "fell" in love with someone else...or I fell in love with the idea of loving someone else.
It didn't work out, but oh, for a moment, I also welcomed the pain of being rejected by that person if it meant forgetting the pain of losing you even for just a while.
Being with that person made me realize what you and I had was rare, and the funny thing is it made me love you even more. I realized that there could never be another you in my life, that nobody will love me the way you loved me. And that I will never love someone else again the way I love you still.
With you I was number one in your life... top priority. You never hurt me and you guarded my heart fiercely from all the pains of life. You literally were my shelter and my tower of strength.
And I miss you. Sometimes I hate you for leaving me... I feel vulnerable to the lurking dangers of this lustful world, to people who see me as a prey. I hate that you are no longer there to protect me each moment of my life.
But i have to accept that you're no longer there to shield me from this dangerous world. And had you not believed in me, I known you would have pleaded with God to extend your life. So I will continue to be strong.... for you, for Kz, for myself and mostly for the memory of our love.
30 days to go and soon it will be Christmas... my first Christmas in 8 years without you. I have 30 days to find my passion again in order for me to survive the holidays.
But I know, inspite of my failures and my sins, God is ever faithful... He's just waiting for me to call, and I trust that He will continue to give me the same comfort He gave the day you went home to His arms...
Friday, November 13, 2009
God...why does it have to hurt this way?
I miss you bey... i miss having someone to take care of me... I miss almost perfect you...
Something happened in my life tonight that made me wish you were alive again. But then, one of the reasons why you had to go was for me to prove to myself I am strong and can survive without you. You taught me how to fight before you left....and I will fight, bey.
Something came up in my life for the last 30 days that made me realize how vulnerable I am , how blind and desperate.... and how lucky I was to have had you... that you were really the best there was for me...
I will write again bey, for you, for Kz and for the destiny you have always believed in...
I just wish I could talk to you right now after all that has happened to me lately....
Monday, August 17, 2009
Kz and I went to visit Floren’s grave last Saturday morning. Seeing his name on the epitaph unleashed weeks of uncried tears from my eyes. Whew! It was such a relief, and felt agonizing at the same time to partly admit that he is really physically gone. Why partly? Because, no matter how I try, I just cannot teach my soul to accept his parting.
Lately , I noticed my unusual craving for food. Jolibee, Mcdo, Barbecue Station,Balut,Mangga, Siopao, Chowking, etc… I order plenty for Kz and myself, but I can barely finish eating everything. (Hello!?!??!!?!?!?!... since when did not finishing food become a problem for me? ) Then even when my stomach’s so full that I could vomit, I still feel hungry and begin craving again for something I cannot name.
I miss Floren and I’m craving for his company. You could give me ‘sardinas’ (I hate eating sardines while it was one of his favorite viands) and I would eat it with much gusto if only Floren were here beside me. Nothing could satisfy this hollowness that only Floren could fill.
And maybe, just maybe, every once in a while, people can realize that I am human and I hurt and I cry and I act like all widows do… I fall from grace and I mourn.
And maybe they would see, that God is a gentle God. He cries with me, and feels my pain. He gently carries it all for me… He picks me up from my crumpled state, embraces me with a warmth that surpasses all love Floren has for me and gives me peace that I can finally sleep , knowing that when I wake up tomorrow, He remains there to comfort me. And He comforts me with the thought, that I too, like my husband, am going home to His kingdom someday!
Labels: Mourning
Friday, August 14, 2009
I have a temporary(hopefully) visitor outside our room who disturbs Kz's peaceful slumber every now and then with his cries of "tucko!" I don't resent his presence though. At least it's not so quiet anymore at 3am.
Why can't I sleep at night? I hate it when unnecessary little things keep me away from sleep when 11pm strikes. Is it because Floren's no longer here beside me? I hate it more when I wake up at 10am feeling that I have wasted 4 hours of sunlight in bed.
aaaarrrghhhh!!! There is something I want to write about, but I am too busy now thinking of something to keep me busy tomorrow.
Lord, you have been so good to me. Who am i to compain about what I feel and what I want to feel. You are the one who has given me this peace and comfort from day 1 and it would be soooo ungrateful of me to ask you to make me cry tonight.
Why am I scared forgetting the pain of Floren's physical death? Am I trying to hold on to it as it is the only last reminder I see now of his life? Confusing. Maybe because the pain is the only intense emotion I have of him left? For now I have learned to love him with a love that does not just involve my emotion but more of my spirit, a love no one can take away from me, a love that though unseen, remains real and deeply etched in my soul, a love i will forever hold on to, because it's a love that has brought me to where I am now, a love that has molded me into a strong woman, and a love that will continue to give me strength when all else fails... a love that will keep my heart aglow for the rest of my life. Tinong and Destiny's love....
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
2 months have passed since you technically died and i still feel like everything is a dream.
I miss you.
Everything hurts, and the sad thing is, I no longer have the capacity to cry the pain away. My emotions are dead or maybe I am just trying to numb my heart as I do not know if I can ever survive such exquisite pain.
Or maybe I cannot cry because each time I feel like doing so, our happy memories come crashing back into my mind. I smile for a moment, then the tears just dry up inside me.
I almost forgot to live for 2 months in hopes that I would also forget the truth that you are gone. I did not want to write, or talk to friends, or start planning for Kz's future. I did not even want tp clean my bedroom because I wanted to stay in a messy room just so I wouldn't focus on the emptiness of my bed.
Then I realized it would be much more painful to allow our love story and our dreams to fade. Your death will then have lost it's meaning and purpose...
I remain your other half, in life and in death. We made the vow of "till death do us part" on our wedding day, but we had a marriage and a love that even death cannot part. And it will remain that way. I will continue your legacy, and I will continue to be the girl you fell in love with, the woman you have always loved, and the wife who will keep on loving you faithfully.
until here, for now.
your destiny
Labels: letters to my bey
Monday, July 6, 2009
I would just like to share this one song that simply breaks my heart every time I hear it...
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
*************************************************************************
yes, I am sooo homesick, because if home is where the heart is...my heart is with Floren, it will always stay with Floren. And now that he is not here, my heart feels lost.
We arrived last July 3, 11:30PM Manila time at the NAIA with Floren's remains. I cried when we boarded Emirates flight 334...because in the past, Floren and I had always looked forward to the day when we will be going home to the Philippines and have our first plane ride together too. Ironic that it was our first and last ride together..with me sitting in the business class section and he, in the cargo section..ouch!
When I stepped out of NAIA, I cried. I was home at last...but where is home? Home is with Floren and Kz.... the pain....
I miss him so much... oh the pains of a young widow who people look up to as strong and from that strength , they find comfort. If only they could see the hollowness of my heart, my other half (literally and emotionally and physically and spiritually) is gone.
Here in our Dasma, Cavite house, I still feel safe, because I still see his body. I don't know what's next.
All I know that God loves me and He has wonderful plans for me... And I am always looking forward to that day when Floren and I will finally be together, in our home in heaven...
;;
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