Friday, January 14, 2011

it's almost 2 years after...

1 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 10:36 AM



Have you ever stuffed yourself so hard until you puked just so you wouldn't feel anything else but that overwhelming urge to vomit, hoping that you could just flush away all the pain along with all of it? How do you tell your heart to stop escaping and really start mourning and command your body to just scream it all out?
It's been a while since I posted here...and since I cried.I need to let it all out. Running away from pain is not the same as moving on.

When I'm lying in my bed and everything is quiet around me, the pain threatens to shake my "calm" exterior, words swirl inside my mind. I try to capture the angst-filled prose forming inside my head, knowing that Floren would have been happy to see me wrting again, although he would also feel my pain. But when I turn on my computer and start typing, my fingers freeze over the keyboard, scared to let go of even an iota of my emotions...desperately clinging on to everything about him, even the pain.

20 months. I tell myself Floren is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. And with those 3 words, my sane world threatens to crumble again, making me hastily retreat into a life where I am trapped in this emotional mumbo jumbo.

he is gone, but accepting the truth does not lessen the pain of his absence, nor the intensity of my longing for him, nor my never ending need for him in my life. So what am I supposed to do? The only thing I know right now is surviving for my Kz...the lttle girl who is growing to be more and more like her daddy everyday...


(and oh, I long to be taken back to my real first love, HIM, my Jesus...I long for His comfort, the only thing that could heal me. Yet I stubbornly hold on to all these , for this is the only way I know of holding on to F...)

 

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Monday, August 17, 2009

Cravings

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 8:53 AM

Kz and I went to visit Floren’s grave last Saturday morning. Seeing his name on the epitaph unleashed weeks of uncried tears from my eyes. Whew! It was such a relief, and felt agonizing at the same time to partly admit that he is really physically gone. Why partly? Because, no matter how I try, I just cannot teach my soul to accept his parting.

Lately , I noticed my unusual craving for food. Jolibee, Mcdo, Barbecue Station,Balut,Mangga, Siopao, Chowking, etc… I order plenty for Kz and myself, but I can barely finish eating everything. (Hello!?!??!!?!?!?!... since when did not finishing food become a problem for me? ) Then even when my stomach’s so full that I could vomit, I still feel hungry and begin craving again for something I cannot name.

I miss Floren and I’m craving for his company. You could give me ‘sardinas’ (I hate eating sardines while it was one of his favorite viands) and I would eat it with much gusto if only Floren were here beside me. Nothing could satisfy this hollowness that only Floren could fill.

And maybe, just maybe, every once in a while, people can realize that I am human and I hurt and I cry and I act like all widows do… I fall from grace and I mourn.

And maybe they would see, that God is a gentle God. He cries with me, and feels my pain. He gently carries it all for me… He picks me up from my crumpled state, embraces me with a warmth that surpasses all love Floren has for me and gives me peace that I can finally sleep , knowing that when I wake up tomorrow, He remains there to comfort me. And He comforts me with the thought, that I too, like my husband, am going home to His kingdom someday!

 

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