Friday, January 14, 2011

it's almost 2 years after...

1 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 10:36 AM



Have you ever stuffed yourself so hard until you puked just so you wouldn't feel anything else but that overwhelming urge to vomit, hoping that you could just flush away all the pain along with all of it? How do you tell your heart to stop escaping and really start mourning and command your body to just scream it all out?
It's been a while since I posted here...and since I cried.I need to let it all out. Running away from pain is not the same as moving on.

When I'm lying in my bed and everything is quiet around me, the pain threatens to shake my "calm" exterior, words swirl inside my mind. I try to capture the angst-filled prose forming inside my head, knowing that Floren would have been happy to see me wrting again, although he would also feel my pain. But when I turn on my computer and start typing, my fingers freeze over the keyboard, scared to let go of even an iota of my emotions...desperately clinging on to everything about him, even the pain.

20 months. I tell myself Floren is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. And with those 3 words, my sane world threatens to crumble again, making me hastily retreat into a life where I am trapped in this emotional mumbo jumbo.

he is gone, but accepting the truth does not lessen the pain of his absence, nor the intensity of my longing for him, nor my never ending need for him in my life. So what am I supposed to do? The only thing I know right now is surviving for my Kz...the lttle girl who is growing to be more and more like her daddy everyday...


(and oh, I long to be taken back to my real first love, HIM, my Jesus...I long for His comfort, the only thing that could heal me. Yet I stubbornly hold on to all these , for this is the only way I know of holding on to F...)

 

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

moving on again!

1 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 10:00 AM

I'm not the first woman to lose a husband, I'm not the only widow in the world and I'm not the youngest either.


8 more days before 2010. And I hope that I can finally say 'happy new year' with conviction that everything will be okay. I will survive as others have...

8 more days to get my ass moving again.

8 more days until I face the real world as a better and stronger woman.

And I'm bringing the memory of our love and your life with me wherever I go, for losing you is not what defines me, but our love and life together.

 

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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

moving on 1

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 8:43 AM

Ive been writing about my grief for 6 months now in hopes that with each word that comes out of my heart, the pain will slowly subside. Ive also tried crying each night, wishing each teardrop would wash away the emptiness and fill my heart with dreams of a happy new life.183 days since I last heard his voice and grazed his lips with mine…. 169 days since my heart stopped beating along with his…

Oh sure other people miss him, but they go on with their lives. Even people whose lives he had touched, people whose lives he was a big part of. I envy them. And I know they sometimes get bored hearing the laments of a young widow. So they tell me life has to go on, it will soon be beautiful for me. I know it will be, but how do I explain that I will never be whole again after he died? He was my husband for heaven’s sake, the God-ordained OTHER HALF of me. Yes, in time I will move on, perhaps fall in love again. But there will always be a part of me who will remain his wife and his widow, a part that will forever hurt and mourn his passing and miss him in each happy and sad moment of my life.

That unless you've love somebody with literally ALL your life,and want nothing else but to be his partner and the mother of his kids, build your dreams around the two of you, live your life in total submission to him, and be that rib that was taken away from him to form you, unless your hearts beat together in synchrony and your souls have been merged as one, and unless death takes away that person, will it be easy for you to understand why no matter how I try to be strong, the thought of living the next 30 years of my life without him makes me feel like my crumbling world has just been put into an incinerator...

it hurts when you get rejected by the ones you like. it's agonizingly painful when your lover leaves you. devastating to see your marriage end in divorce. it's excruciatingly painful to lose a parent or a family member. so how does it feel when a spouse you loved and was exceedingly happy with dies?

I thought I was okay, and yes I am okay. I will be okay. So why does it still hurt so much like as if I just buried him yesterday?

 

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