Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Looking back...

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 8:00 AM

. 4 years have passed. Whenever I look back at the trauma I've been through, I cannot help but thank God for the strength and equanimity He gave me during that ordeal. I have been very dependent on my late husband for 7 years that his 40 day stay in the Surgical ICU almost drove me mad because I didn't know whether he would die or live.  I couldn't sleep because for 7 years, I was used to hearing his voice before the day ended. What made matters worst was that hospitals in Dubai weren't like our hospitals here where one could visit anytime he wanted to or even sleep in the patient's room. They had visiting hours there, 4pm-6pm Sunday-Thursday and 10-12am, 4-6pm on Fridays and Saturdays. And children below 12 weren't allowed. I  was taking care of my Kz full time then but thankfully  my in-laws took shifts in watching over Kz while I was inside the SICU of Rashid Trauma Center. And since only 2 visitors were allowed at a time, I sometimes had to give way for church members, friends and family who wanted to see Floren. Yes, I was so dependent on him that I couldn't even cook dinner without asking him first what he wanted to eat. I would drive him to work at 9 am, and fetch him from the office at 6pm, and in between those 9 hours, I would call him every hour simply because I couldn't function without him. I was dependent, insecure and immature. Thankfully I had a husband whose patience was enough for Rome to proclaim him a saint.

I was also far from my immediate family and I know it was me who put my papa under stress because I had to call them everyday 11pm UAE time (3am Manila time)because I had to talk to someone as the silence of the night drove me crazy those days when I didn't know if Floren would come out alive or just die.

I also remember my faith then. When Floren had his 2nd aneurysm rupture and was proclaimed brain dead when he arrived at the hospital, I fought for my faith. Doctors told me they could no longer do anything for him. I didn't understand it then, because Floren survived his 1st aneurysm rupture even when there was a 9hour interval before he was brought to surgery. So why couldn't the doctors do anything for his brain this time when only minutes have passed since his brain started to bleed?  The neurosurgeon could only say it was impossible. And from my mouth I told that Muslim doctor, "WHAT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU IS POSSIBLE FOR MY GOD!". I waited and waited for days for that miracle. No brain dead person ever survived in the history of men. I was so steadfast in my faith that it could have moved mountains then. I knew my God could do it... But it was not a matter of what my God could have done. It was whether He wanted it done. I was too blinded with wanting Floren to live that I forgot that his surviving the 1st  brain aneurysm rupture WAS MY MIRACLE. The doctors couldn't really explain why he survived without neurological defects then. They couldn't explain why after the rupture, his aneurysm healed itself by calcifying. And for the days when Floren was sedated , his encounter with God was his miracle. He woke up knowing he was already forgiven , that his sins , though they may have been as red as scarlet, God made his slate as white as snow. That was his miracle.

And my personal miracle was how I survived those days. I didn't have a job. I only had 50dirhams in my pocket. Floren's salary was to go to the banks because they had been pestering me for weeks that if I couldn't update our credit card bills they would be forced to take the case to the police.But God provided all my needs then. In fact, I had more than what I needed. Somebody even gave me money to go shopping. Every time I needed to go somewhere, there was always a parking lot right in front of the door or entrance. Somebody commented I didn't look like i have just been widowed for all they could see was a face that was so radiant. The day after they took Floren off the ventilator, I was the one who processed all the papers needed for us to fly back home with his remains. And people were surprised I still had the strength and peace to do that. I even stood in front of hundreds of our church members and talked about God's goodness even if He had to say NO to my prayers. Yes, God said NO, to all those who prayed, to the thousands of Christians back in the Philippines who prayed for Floren, to me who prayed every single hour, to me who fasted and read the Bible. I realized No amount of prayers could have saved Floren from the brink of human death because what God had planned was for Floren to start enjoying his eternal life  in heaven.

Looking back, I think that was pushed me away from God after we buried Floren. It was like everything just sank in that I suddenly became disappointed with God because I was a good and faithful servant then, why couldn't He have answered that one prayer? He answered my financial needs, almost all my prayers, but why deny me that one thing I would have given up my life for? I didn't know then what Grace was.. After that, I went through post traumatic stress disorder. It started on the first week of August (Floren had his 1st brain hemorrhage on May 14, went home June 9, his 2nd aneurysm rupture on June 10 and legally died June 24 and was buried July 10,2009.)  I stopped crying after we buried him and suppressed all the pain inside me. One night I woke up gasping for breath. I thought I was having a heart attack. They rushed me to the hospital and the ECG said there was nothing wrong with my heart. I started having night terrors after that. I started fearing going out to public places alone because what if I couldnt breathe? Who would help me? I started being afraid of shopping malls, public transportation... I would wake u every now and then screaming and begging to be brought to the hospital because I felt like I was having a heart attack. I carried with me a device that showed my oxygen level in the blood and my heart rate(Oximeter). I panicked at the thought of going to places without a hospital nearby. And the worst was when I started taking baths with the door open because I felt like I was going to die inside the bathroom that I began stopping to take baths at all because I did not want to die.  I still vividly recall all the panic attacks caused by my PTSD. I refused to take the sedatives the doctors prescribed because I told myself I wasn't crazy. I even spent months locked inside my room forgetting to take care of my daughter and instead watched tv 24hrs/day.

Now 4 years after, I have moved on. I have finally forgiven myself for Floren's death. Yes I blamed myself. Why, that I cannot tell. But I am alive once again. Yes, I have learned to love someone. I may not love him the same way I loved Floren, but I sure love him with the same intensity and everyday it gets deeper and deeper. And I will love him until my very last breath... But growing up and allowing myself to transform into the woman God has always designed to me become has to come first. I cannot give myself fully to another person until God has made me whole again. And I am allowing Him to do so. Because I believe I went through that ordeal with Floren to prepare me to be the best match for the person God has in store for me---

I haven't written in a long time. And this feels so good.

What will define my strength is how I rise up today. I am finally over his death. The pain will always remain there, I will always miss him. But I am over his death. I have forgiven myself and accepted God's will. And now I am looking forward to proving I am beautiful and special because God created me that way.

 

Saturday, December 1, 2012

to love again

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 10:43 AM

I have opened my heart to love again....

And I am happy. Maybe one of the reasons God allowed me to go through such excruciating pain was for me to realize the value of relationships. And learn from my selfish mistakes of the past. Maybe it was His way of preparing me to be a better person for this new chapter in my life.

Moving on does not mean I have totally forgotten about my late husband. It means simply accepting what can no longer be, thanking him for all the memories that has made me into this resilient woman I am today. And maybe every now and then whisper into the air "Hey, my babe is making me happy every moment of my life... or, He loves me and my daughter so much we could not ask for more.... Thank you for watching over us and for nudging me a bit into the path where he and I would cross ways..."

And no, this is not comparing my past to my present. There is no comparison. I was a different girl back then. I am a different woman now. Closure has been handed. My heart and my life belongs to the present and my future..together with the little girl we now call OURS and the man whose name my heart beats for today and always.


----destiny

 

Monday, April 2, 2012

2012 and 36 months after..unfinished open letter

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 12:47 AM

Dear bey,

It is now 2012. 36 months after you said goodbye to life on earth. And it's been so long since I last wrote that I no longer know if I can still do it. So expect few spelling and grammatical errors ,but then, the heart knows no rules when it comes to pouring out its emotions.

Did you know about the 2012 theory of the Mayans? John Cusack made a movie about it but you were already gone for 5 months when it was shown worldwide. The Mayans foretold that the world will end on December 21, 2012. I do not believe them. My world ended on June 24,2009 in that cold isolation room at the Neuro Intensive Care Unit of Rashid Hospital in Dubai.

Here are some of the events you would have taken interest in but missed since then. I miss seeing you read local Gulf news, Philippine news and CNN reports early in the morning and I miss hearing your opinions and other stuff that make my nose bleed because my brain could no longer take more information than what you were giving me.

2009

May 2009 - Kris Allen won A.I. But I guess I told you this when you were fully sedated on the ICU and when you woke up. We both wanted and bet Adam Lambert would win. We were wrong.

May 21 - Egyptian billionaire real-estate tycoon Hisham Talaat Mustafa sentenced to death for the murder of Lebanese pop singer Suzanne Tamim. (When you talked about Tamim's murder then, I was like "wtf! pati ba naman Lebanese artists kilala mo! But then again, she was killed in Dubai and you made it your business to be informed about everything that happens around you)

June 1 - Air France Airbus crashes into Atlantic off northeastern Brazil killing 228 people, no survivors. Search called off in August after 51 bodies found.( This I'm sure you would have taken deep interest in, considering your obsession with airplanes. I remember you printing pages and pages of stuff about airplanes. And when you tried to share it to me, I got nauseated because it was all too technical and I felt like you were either studing to be an aeronautic engineer or trying to discover how to prevent airplane crashes , or build a 'crash-proof' plane. You were that one person I know who's been travelling from country to country for 15yrs yet still had that feeling you were going to die everytime you boarded a plane. THAT ALONE MADE ME REALIZE YOU LOVED ME SO MUCH FOR YOU WEREWILLING TO TRAVEL ALL THE WAY FROM SAUDI ARABIA TO MANILA TO CAGAYAN DE ORO JUST TO PROPOSE AND MARRY ME!

June 24-25 - You died. Charlie's Angel Farraw Fawcet died. MIchael Jackson died the day after. I have to ask, did you meet them at St. Peter's gate? ( Just kidding, I do not believe in this, neither did you)

June 29 - Bernard Madoff, chief symbol of US financial greed, is sentenced to 150 years in prison for decades-long, 65- billion-dollar "Ponzi" rip off scheme. ( You understood about world market and stock exchange whew!)

July 31 - Cory Aquino died. You called her the worst president of the Philippines.

August 2009- Ondoy hits the Philippines, killing hundreds in Metro Manila, particularly Marikina. Tsunami in Samoa and earthquake in Indonesia kills thousands.

October 22- Microsoft launched WIndows 7, to replace the unpopular Windows Vista (which you hated! ) I wonder if you would have changed the OS of our laptop then to W7. Because even with XP then, I sometimes turn on your laptop to see that you changed it back to Windows2000 , which according to a Windows and frustrated/aborted Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer like you said was the best OS Microsoft made. And oh I'm sorry you never got your MCSE Certification because .....

October - Flu epidemic kills hundreds in Ukraine. Longest Olympic torch relay in history.

November - Dubai World, the state-owned real-estate and ports giant, asks for a six-month moratorium on its debt, shaking financial markets from Shanghai to New York. Maguindanao Massacre took place.

2010

January - Burj Khalifa officially opened. (If you were alive then, we would have been there when it happened, watching the fireworks). Haiti earthquake kills more than 200,000. Ethiopian Airline crash. (and again another one, which would have made you secretly obsessed about planes even more).

February - Chile earthquake kills more than 500. 8.8 magnitude, recorded as one of the largest in history.

April - Poland president dies in Airplane crash (Again!) Volcanic ash disrupt air traffic in Europe.

May - 2 separate airplane crashes, one in Libya, and one in India killing hundreds. KZ turned 4, you turned 42 and I turned 31

June - Noynoy Aquino elected president of the Philippines. And you would have said " Oh no, not another Aquino, so is Kris 1st lady now?"

July- Spain wins FIFA world cup. (Okay, I would have been the only one interested in this, but since you understood my love for football, you would also have been interested in this too). Thousands killed in Pakistan flood.

October - Tsunami and Repeated Volcanic eruptions hit Indonesia killing thousands.

2011

January

  • January 9–15 – Southern Sudan holds a referendum on independence. The Sudanese electorate votes in favour of independence, paving the way for the creation of the new state in July
  • January 11 – Flooding and mudslides in the Brazilian state of Rio de Janeiro kills 903.
  • January 14 – Arab Spring: The Tunisian government falls after a month of increasingly violent protests; President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali flees to Saudi Arabia after 23 years in power.
  • January 24 – 37 people are killed and more than 180 others wounded in a bombing atDomodedovo International Airport in Moscow, Russia.

( You have friends from Sudan and Tunisia and you understood their politics. You find brazilian women sexy and Russian women beautiful hehehehe)

February - Egyptian president Mubarak resigns. You knew much about Egypt's history, government , culture. Former FP CHieff of Staff Angelo Reyes commits suicide a week after being accused of corruption under the term of your 'idol' president GMA. (Yes you liked the fact that she was an economist, daughter of former Pres Macapagal and one hell of a smart and strong lady. But I also believed that given all the corruption issues surrounding her, you would have been one of the first to condemn her)

March 11- Earthquake and Tsunami in Japan kills thousands. When they issued a tsunami warning in the Philippines, I cried, not for fear or anything, but I honestly felt alone. I wanted to scream then how much I needed you in my

life.

MArch - Libyan war, civil unrest in Bahrain and other arab countries.

April - prince william gets married. I could imagine you consoling me with these lines. " Mas pogi ako kay Prince William, maswerte ka saken kaya wag mo na iyakan yan hehehehe"

May- Osama Bin LAden killed my American troops. You knew a lot about him too, which made me wonder sometimes kung close ba kayo? At naging kabarkada ba kayo sa Saudi? hehehe Kz also turned 5, me 32, and you 43.

August- Gaddafhi overthrown. You knew a lot about Libya too, about their politics and trade. NASA announces that its Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter has captured photographic evidence of possible liquid water on Mars during warm seasons.Juno, the first solar-powered spacecraft on a mission to Jupiter, is launched from Cape Canaveral Air Force Station.

October - Unesco admitted Palestine as a member.

November - Mars Rover Curiosty launched from Kennedy Space Center. Your 'idol' GMA arrested while trying to "flee" the country

December- Sendong hits the city you called " Calamity free".

There are still more events that happened from 2009- 2011 which I know you would have taken serious interest with.

And I miss that intelligent guy who taught me a lot about world politics, science , showbiz. I miss the guy who taught me about google when I didnt know the answer to my query. You were a trivia/information freak. You absorbed and understood everything you read. And i loved you for that also. That made you so sexy to me. I miss answering crossword puzzles with you. I dont do them anymore. I ould still remember the look on your face when we came across a 4 letter puzzle about Israel's commercial airline and when I answered El Al, you were like "How come you know that and I don't ". And I answered " I read Erich Segal books and he's a jew".

No, you did not miss these events. The world has become a troubled place to live in. Even Mother Nature is driving me crazy with all these climate changes. Im a way I'm glad you've been spared from all these heartaches.

And yes, maybe the world is coming to an end soon. Whatever. All I know is my world ended with you.


 

Friday, January 14, 2011

it's almost 2 years after...

1 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 10:36 AM



Have you ever stuffed yourself so hard until you puked just so you wouldn't feel anything else but that overwhelming urge to vomit, hoping that you could just flush away all the pain along with all of it? How do you tell your heart to stop escaping and really start mourning and command your body to just scream it all out?
It's been a while since I posted here...and since I cried.I need to let it all out. Running away from pain is not the same as moving on.

When I'm lying in my bed and everything is quiet around me, the pain threatens to shake my "calm" exterior, words swirl inside my mind. I try to capture the angst-filled prose forming inside my head, knowing that Floren would have been happy to see me wrting again, although he would also feel my pain. But when I turn on my computer and start typing, my fingers freeze over the keyboard, scared to let go of even an iota of my emotions...desperately clinging on to everything about him, even the pain.

20 months. I tell myself Floren is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. And with those 3 words, my sane world threatens to crumble again, making me hastily retreat into a life where I am trapped in this emotional mumbo jumbo.

he is gone, but accepting the truth does not lessen the pain of his absence, nor the intensity of my longing for him, nor my never ending need for him in my life. So what am I supposed to do? The only thing I know right now is surviving for my Kz...the lttle girl who is growing to be more and more like her daddy everyday...


(and oh, I long to be taken back to my real first love, HIM, my Jesus...I long for His comfort, the only thing that could heal me. Yet I stubbornly hold on to all these , for this is the only way I know of holding on to F...)

 

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Thursday, June 24, 2010

365 days

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 8:28 AM

its been a while since I posted something here.

my heart is still not in the mood for writing though...

today is Floren's first death anniversary. 365 days of widowhood, 365 days of pure agony without him...

 

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

home

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 12:31 AM

After 7 months, I'm finally back here in Dubai. I do not know yet what God's plans are for me, and why He brought me back here...all I know is that I need to trust only in Him, and in His perfect love for me.


When I left Manila last January for Malaysia, God has again showed that He is indeed faithful in spite of my failures and sins. And when I boarded the plane for Dubai on the 29th, I kept hearing this one song in mind... "Im coming home, to the place where I belong......"(Home by Chris Daughtry), and yes, this is HOME for me, the place that was witness to the love F and I so unconditionally shared.

I miss him, i still love him so much. But I have stopped expecting that the doorbell's going to ring and that he's coming home....

I miss my Kz so much too. I can't wait to be with her again, but not until I finish all unresolved issues here in the UAE. This time away from her has made me appreciate motherhood even more, and I know that when I return to that place Kz and I now call home, I will have become a better mother for her....


 

Thursday, January 14, 2010

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 12:22 AM

found this one on the internet :






for a moment, i felt these words were from my bey...telling me i can overcome my current situation, telling me to be smart and not to fall for meaningless words that has no heart.

 

Monday, January 11, 2010

december 2009's last work

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 10:32 AM

wrote this one before 2009 ended but forgot to post it online......




( I dreamed of him again last night after 2 months of dreamless and sleepless nights… These were his exact words: “ I wouldn’t have left if I didn’t believe in your strength,…remember us, remember me, and remember how much I love you for it will help you make the right decisions in life and in love.”)

His death brought out a Destiny I never knew was capable of such strength and grace amidst the pain.
The Destiny he saw all along, the woman he had always wanted me to see and extract from my innermost being.
Had he thought of me otherwise, I believe he would have pleaded with God to extend his life. Instead he joyfully submitted to the voice that called him home to heaven because he trusted God and knew that if I did too , everything will not only be okay, but beautiful.

Yet where am now? What have I done with my life in the 6 months I’ve been widowed?
I’m no longer the woman Floren cherished on his last days.
I gave drama to the angst I felt on his demise that our love lost its splendor behind all the tragedy ive created
I used my grief as an excuse for all the mistakes I did and am still doing. Now I realize that the mourning has to end for it is exhausting me and everyone else around.

So I will spend the remaining days of the last year Floren graced searching for his destiny.

Maybe, just maybe, I may have secretly left her beside Floren’s grave the day we buried his body.

I have lived, loved and lost.
The tears of the woman who has lost have dried up.
Now it’s time for the woman who has loved and who will continued loving , to live…

 

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

moving on again!

1 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 10:00 AM

I'm not the first woman to lose a husband, I'm not the only widow in the world and I'm not the youngest either.


8 more days before 2010. And I hope that I can finally say 'happy new year' with conviction that everything will be okay. I will survive as others have...

8 more days to get my ass moving again.

8 more days until I face the real world as a better and stronger woman.

And I'm bringing the memory of our love and your life with me wherever I go, for losing you is not what defines me, but our love and life together.

 

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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

moving on 1

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 8:43 AM

Ive been writing about my grief for 6 months now in hopes that with each word that comes out of my heart, the pain will slowly subside. Ive also tried crying each night, wishing each teardrop would wash away the emptiness and fill my heart with dreams of a happy new life.183 days since I last heard his voice and grazed his lips with mine…. 169 days since my heart stopped beating along with his…

Oh sure other people miss him, but they go on with their lives. Even people whose lives he had touched, people whose lives he was a big part of. I envy them. And I know they sometimes get bored hearing the laments of a young widow. So they tell me life has to go on, it will soon be beautiful for me. I know it will be, but how do I explain that I will never be whole again after he died? He was my husband for heaven’s sake, the God-ordained OTHER HALF of me. Yes, in time I will move on, perhaps fall in love again. But there will always be a part of me who will remain his wife and his widow, a part that will forever hurt and mourn his passing and miss him in each happy and sad moment of my life.

That unless you've love somebody with literally ALL your life,and want nothing else but to be his partner and the mother of his kids, build your dreams around the two of you, live your life in total submission to him, and be that rib that was taken away from him to form you, unless your hearts beat together in synchrony and your souls have been merged as one, and unless death takes away that person, will it be easy for you to understand why no matter how I try to be strong, the thought of living the next 30 years of my life without him makes me feel like my crumbling world has just been put into an incinerator...

it hurts when you get rejected by the ones you like. it's agonizingly painful when your lover leaves you. devastating to see your marriage end in divorce. it's excruciatingly painful to lose a parent or a family member. so how does it feel when a spouse you loved and was exceedingly happy with dies?

I thought I was okay, and yes I am okay. I will be okay. So why does it still hurt so much like as if I just buried him yesterday?

 

Labels:

First Love

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 7:18 AM

.... i would like to share the lyrics of the song "First Love" by silverwind. This was released during the 80's. I really hope to find a copy of this song...


and mostly I would like to be taken back to the time when my relationship with Jesus began...

My heart was free-
But wanting to be seen
Just wanting only
Your anointing
They say you rise
When you get older
All I know is I've grown colder

Take me back to first love
to the place where i once was
where my passion was just obeying
And prayer was sweet
The sweetest thing I knew
And everything was possible with You
Take me to the place of my first love with You
The place of my first love with You

 

Labels:

HE

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 7:17 AM

He can turn the tides
And calm the angry sea.
He alone decides
Who writes a symphony.
He lights ev'ry star
That makes our darkness bright.
He keeps watch all through
Each long and lonely night.
He still finds the time
To hear a child's first prayer.
Saint or sinner call
And always find Him there.


Though it makes him sad
To see the way we live,
He'll always say, "I forgive."


He can grant a wish
Or make a dream come true.
He can paint the clouds
And turn the gray to blue.
He alone knows where
To find the rainbow's end.
He alone can see
What lies beyond the bend.
He can touch a tree
And turn the leaves to gold.
He knows every lie
That you and I have told.


 

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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

5th month project... on love, life, marriage and death

1 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 11:20 PM

check out this link...


I tried uploading it on Youtube but was rejected because video was too long.


I can't believe it's been only 5 months since F went home to heaven. Everyday without him feels like eternity to me...

This one's a compilation of our pictures plus a few words on love and marriage that we applied to ours. This is a work of love....my work of love for him.

May you find reason to believe that happiness and perfect relationships do exist and that true love happens...

 

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

5 months

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 8:52 AM

dear bey,


today , I know that heaven is celebrating your 5th month there. And I know at the same time that heaven feels my pain now for it hasn't stopped raining since this morning. Maybe this is its' way of telling me that it may look like the rain won't stop pouring , but when the sun comes streaming in my window tomorrow or maybe the day after, I will appreciate that sunshine more because of the rain.

I am only human, and I"m sorry if I defiled your memory with my weakness....
This last month, I was in a hurry to move on with my life and forget the pain of losing you that I fell into a trap. I "fell" in love with someone else...or I fell in love with the idea of loving someone else.
It didn't work out, but oh, for a moment, I also welcomed the pain of being rejected by that person if it meant forgetting the pain of losing you even for just a while.

Being with that person made me realize what you and I had was rare, and the funny thing is it made me love you even more. I realized that there could never be another you in my life, that nobody will love me the way you loved me. And that I will never love someone else again the way I love you still.

With you I was number one in your life... top priority. You never hurt me and you guarded my heart fiercely from all the pains of life. You literally were my shelter and my tower of strength.

And I miss you. Sometimes I hate you for leaving me... I feel vulnerable to the lurking dangers of this lustful world, to people who see me as a prey. I hate that you are no longer there to protect me each moment of my life.

But i have to accept that you're no longer there to shield me from this dangerous world. And had you not believed in me, I known you would have pleaded with God to extend your life. So I will continue to be strong.... for you, for Kz, for myself and mostly for the memory of our love.

30 days to go and soon it will be Christmas... my first Christmas in 8 years without you. I have 30 days to find my passion again in order for me to survive the holidays.

But I know, inspite of my failures and my sins, God is ever faithful... He's just waiting for me to call, and I trust that He will continue to give me the same comfort He gave the day you went home to His arms...


 

Friday, November 13, 2009

hurting

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 10:44 AM

God...why does it have to hurt this way?


I miss you bey... i miss having someone to take care of me... I miss almost perfect you...
Something happened in my life tonight that made me wish you were alive again. But then, one of the reasons why you had to go was for me to prove to myself I am strong and can survive without you. You taught me how to fight before you left....and I will fight, bey.

Something came up in my life for the last 30 days that made me realize how vulnerable I am , how blind and desperate.... and how lucky I was to have had you... that you were really the best there was for me...

I will write again bey, for you, for Kz and for the destiny you have always believed in...

I just wish I could talk to you right now after all that has happened to me lately....

 

Monday, August 17, 2009

Cravings

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 8:53 AM

Kz and I went to visit Floren’s grave last Saturday morning. Seeing his name on the epitaph unleashed weeks of uncried tears from my eyes. Whew! It was such a relief, and felt agonizing at the same time to partly admit that he is really physically gone. Why partly? Because, no matter how I try, I just cannot teach my soul to accept his parting.

Lately , I noticed my unusual craving for food. Jolibee, Mcdo, Barbecue Station,Balut,Mangga, Siopao, Chowking, etc… I order plenty for Kz and myself, but I can barely finish eating everything. (Hello!?!??!!?!?!?!... since when did not finishing food become a problem for me? ) Then even when my stomach’s so full that I could vomit, I still feel hungry and begin craving again for something I cannot name.

I miss Floren and I’m craving for his company. You could give me ‘sardinas’ (I hate eating sardines while it was one of his favorite viands) and I would eat it with much gusto if only Floren were here beside me. Nothing could satisfy this hollowness that only Floren could fill.

And maybe, just maybe, every once in a while, people can realize that I am human and I hurt and I cry and I act like all widows do… I fall from grace and I mourn.

And maybe they would see, that God is a gentle God. He cries with me, and feels my pain. He gently carries it all for me… He picks me up from my crumpled state, embraces me with a warmth that surpasses all love Floren has for me and gives me peace that I can finally sleep , knowing that when I wake up tomorrow, He remains there to comfort me. And He comforts me with the thought, that I too, like my husband, am going home to His kingdom someday!

 

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Friday, August 14, 2009

Tucko!

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 10:38 AM

I have a temporary(hopefully) visitor outside our room who disturbs Kz's peaceful slumber every now and then with his cries of "tucko!" I don't resent his presence though. At least it's not so quiet anymore at 3am.


Why can't I sleep at night? I hate it when unnecessary little things keep me away from sleep when 11pm strikes. Is it because Floren's no longer here beside me? I hate it more when I wake up at 10am feeling that I have wasted 4 hours of sunlight in bed.

aaaarrrghhhh!!! There is something I want to write about, but I am too busy now thinking of something to keep me busy tomorrow.

Lord, you have been so good to me. Who am i to compain about what I feel and what I want to feel. You are the one who has given me this peace and comfort from day 1 and it would be soooo ungrateful of me to ask you to make me cry tonight.

Why am I scared forgetting the pain of Floren's physical death? Am I trying to hold on to it as it is the only last reminder I see now of his life? Confusing. Maybe because the pain is the only intense emotion I have of him left? For now I have learned to love him with a love that does not just involve my emotion but more of my spirit, a love no one can take away from me, a love that though unseen, remains real and deeply etched in my soul, a love i will forever hold on to, because it's a love that has brought me to where I am now, a love that has molded me into a strong woman, and a love that will continue to give me strength when all else fails... a love that will keep my heart aglow for the rest of my life. Tinong and Destiny's love....



 

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

death cannot conquer true love

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 3:15 PM


Dear Bey,



2 months have passed since you technically died and i still feel like everything is a dream.

I miss you.

Everything hurts, and the sad thing is, I no longer have the capacity to cry the pain away. My emotions are dead or maybe I am just trying to numb my heart as I do not know if I can ever survive such exquisite pain.

Or maybe I cannot cry because each time I feel like doing so, our happy memories come crashing back into my mind. I smile for a moment, then the tears just dry up inside me.

I almost forgot to live for 2 months in hopes that I would also forget the truth that you are gone. I did not want to write, or talk to friends, or start planning for Kz's future. I did not even want tp clean my bedroom because I wanted to stay in a messy room just so I wouldn't focus on the emptiness of my bed.

Then I realized it would be much more painful to allow our love story and our dreams to fade. Your death will then have lost it's meaning and purpose...

I remain your other half, in life and in death. We made the vow of "till death do us part" on our wedding day, but we had a marriage and a love that even death cannot part. And it will remain that way. I will continue your legacy, and I will continue to be the girl you fell in love with, the woman you have always loved, and the wife who will keep on loving you faithfully.

until here, for now.

your destiny

 

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Monday, July 6, 2009

homesick

2 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 1:01 AM

I would just like to share this one song that simply breaks my heart every time I hear it...


You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

*************************************************************************

yes, I am sooo homesick, because if home is where the heart is...my heart is with Floren, it will always stay with Floren. And now that he is not here, my heart feels lost.

We arrived last July 3, 11:30PM Manila time at the NAIA with Floren's remains. I cried when we boarded Emirates flight 334...because in the past, Floren and I had always looked forward to the day when we will be going home to the Philippines and have our first plane ride together too. Ironic that it was our first and last ride together..with me sitting in the business class section and he, in the cargo section..ouch!

When I stepped out of NAIA, I cried. I was home at last...but where is home? Home is with Floren and Kz.... the pain....

I miss him so much... oh the pains of a young widow who people look up to as strong and from that strength , they find comfort. If only they could see the hollowness of my heart, my other half (literally and emotionally and physically and spiritually) is gone.

Here in our Dasma, Cavite house, I still feel safe, because I still see his body. I don't know what's next.

All I know that God loves me and He has wonderful plans for me... And I am always looking forward to that day when Floren and I will finally be together, in our home in heaven...


 

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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

homecoming

0 comments Posted by destinynoelle at 7:47 AM

after 22 months here in Dubai, Kz and I are finally going home...

The paperworks I am accomplishing in order to fly Floren's body home back to the Philippines are driving me crazy! It's a week now since he died and I'm still halfway done (No thanks to his company who wasted 3 days for the visa cancellation, and until now I'm still waiting for it.) But then again, i am stil thankful for all the little things that keep me busy.

Part of me does not want to leave this place where we became a f amily. All our happy memories together were made here. When Kz was born in CDO, Floren was already here in Dubai. We followed him here 15 months later. For now, I feel okay, like this is just one long day and I am still going to see Floren. The full impact of his death hasn't sunk in yet. But God is always faithful to comfort us I know.

Part of me is excited to slowly uncover what is in store for me one day at a time.I know life will continue to be wonderful because God is in control. I have experienced His favors that other people might just disregard as coincindences but I believe it is God's way of protecting us in Floren's absence... It feels so nice to know our Maker is also my best friend, protector and father. Makes me feel secured that no matter what tomorrow will bring, I can face everything and overcome everything because HE HAS OVERCOME the world!

I miss Floren. But I do not have this feeling that I will never see him nor talk to him again. Because I know I will see him someday in heaven...


 

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