Thursday, June 24, 2010
its been a while since I posted something here.
my heart is still not in the mood for writing though...
today is Floren's first death anniversary. 365 days of widowhood, 365 days of pure agony without him...
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
After 7 months, I'm finally back here in Dubai. I do not know yet what God's plans are for me, and why He brought me back here...all I know is that I need to trust only in Him, and in His perfect love for me.
When I left Manila last January for Malaysia, God has again showed that He is indeed faithful in spite of my failures and sins. And when I boarded the plane for Dubai on the 29th, I kept hearing this one song in mind... "Im coming home, to the place where I belong......"(Home by Chris Daughtry), and yes, this is HOME for me, the place that was witness to the love F and I so unconditionally shared.
I miss him, i still love him so much. But I have stopped expecting that the doorbell's going to ring and that he's coming home....
I miss my Kz so much too. I can't wait to be with her again, but not until I finish all unresolved issues here in the UAE. This time away from her has made me appreciate motherhood even more, and I know that when I return to that place Kz and I now call home, I will have become a better mother for her....
Thursday, January 14, 2010
found this one on the internet :
for a moment, i felt these words were from my bey...telling me i can overcome my current situation, telling me to be smart and not to fall for meaningless words that has no heart.
Monday, January 11, 2010
wrote this one before 2009 ended but forgot to post it online......
( I dreamed of him again last night after 2 months of dreamless and sleepless nights… These were his exact words: “ I wouldn’t have left if I didn’t believe in your strength,…remember us, remember me, and remember how much I love you for it will help you make the right decisions in life and in love.”)
His death brought out a Destiny I never knew was capable of such strength and grace amidst the pain.
The Destiny he saw all along, the woman he had always wanted me to see and extract from my innermost being.
Had he thought of me otherwise, I believe he would have pleaded with God to extend his life. Instead he joyfully submitted to the voice that called him home to heaven because he trusted God and knew that if I did too , everything will not only be okay, but beautiful.
Yet where am now? What have I done with my life in the 6 months I’ve been widowed?
I’m no longer the woman Floren cherished on his last days.
I gave drama to the angst I felt on his demise that our love lost its splendor behind all the tragedy ive created
I used my grief as an excuse for all the mistakes I did and am still doing. Now I realize that the mourning has to end for it is exhausting me and everyone else around.
So I will spend the remaining days of the last year Floren graced searching for his destiny.
Maybe, just maybe, I may have secretly left her beside Floren’s grave the day we buried his body.
I have lived, loved and lost.
The tears of the woman who has lost have dried up.
Now it’s time for the woman who has loved and who will continued loving , to live…
His death brought out a Destiny I never knew was capable of such strength and grace amidst the pain.
The Destiny he saw all along, the woman he had always wanted me to see and extract from my innermost being.
Had he thought of me otherwise, I believe he would have pleaded with God to extend his life. Instead he joyfully submitted to the voice that called him home to heaven because he trusted God and knew that if I did too , everything will not only be okay, but beautiful.
Yet where am now? What have I done with my life in the 6 months I’ve been widowed?
I’m no longer the woman Floren cherished on his last days.
I gave drama to the angst I felt on his demise that our love lost its splendor behind all the tragedy ive created
I used my grief as an excuse for all the mistakes I did and am still doing. Now I realize that the mourning has to end for it is exhausting me and everyone else around.
So I will spend the remaining days of the last year Floren graced searching for his destiny.
Maybe, just maybe, I may have secretly left her beside Floren’s grave the day we buried his body.
I have lived, loved and lost.
The tears of the woman who has lost have dried up.
Now it’s time for the woman who has loved and who will continued loving , to live…
;;
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